No, this is not some obscure metaphor for sex. Or spanking. Or wanking. Or anything else.
I'm very much afraid, dear reader, that this is a vanilla post. Oh, I might chuck on some totally inappropriate photos, just to make a guilty association in your minds between food and sexual matters, but the content - just a recipe.
Unless there are some ladies out there who wish to spank me for eating such a self indulgent meal? No? Come on, are you sure? Okay then, that's what I thought.
So then the recipe.
Get a 7oz can of decent quality corned beef. Remove meat and discard the can into a recycling bin.
Cut beef into smallish chunks. Place in bowl.
Add 1 large tablespoon whole grain mustard and about 1.5 tablespoons Worcester sauce; mix well, and put to one side.
Take two decent size potatoes and, without peeling, chop into small chunks. Place in saucepan and cover with boiling water. Boil for about 5 minutes, until tender. Drain, and place clean tea towel over strainer to catch steam.
Take large frying pan, and heat 1 tablespoon oil until very hot. Chop I large onion quite finely, and do the same with 2 garlic cloves. Drop into pan and stir vigorously, to soften and release flavour. Fry onions and garlic for maybe 3 minutes, and then add the potato chunks. Fry whole mess for about 5 minutes more.
Chop about 250 g mushrooms (chestnut work well) into small pieces; add to pan and stir some more.
Allow to soften. Ideally potatoes and mushrooms have started to brown.
Add corn beef and stir; heat through and combine. Allow to cook for about 2 minutes, and then remove from heat.
Allow mix to stand until cool; place in plastic/tupperware containers (I use ones left over from Chinese takeaway). You should get two large helpings. Place in fridge and leave for 2 days.
Heat trusty frying pan; deposit contents of one container into pan, and, as it heats through, flatten it out. Heat for 3 minutes, and turn over. Do this a couple of times. Ensuring pan quite hot turn final time, and leave for 5 minutes.
Push mixture to one side of pan, and add a little oil to space left. Add two free range eggs to oil, and fry to taste, but ideally leave yolk a bit runny.
Turn corn beef hash onto plate; it should be crisped and browned on side that faced pan. Get this on top if you can. Place eggs on centre; divide between 2 plates, and eat, with partner and crusty bread.
Delicious and warming on a Winter's day.
Oh, or you could eat it all yourself, but it is a hearty and fattening meal. Yummy though.
I apologise to any vegetarian readers; I only have a meaty version of this, although I suppose you could substitute quorn in place of the beef. Um. Not sure how well that would work.
All the best
Pictures are, rather inevitably I'm afraid, from Northern Spanking; they do have a lot of lovely pictures though!